Not a jury in the world would convict you

Given the desperation of the various cop shows to find new stories "plucked from the headlines" (translation: "we'd rather not have to write our own plots"), I'm surprised that none of them seem to have featured Awful Vengeance wreaked upon a series of spammers.

I remember one Law & Order SVU episode (well, that's probably what it was, they all kind of blend together) featured a child molester tempted into offending again by "Lolita" porno spam. This episode was of course every bit as plot-holed-below-the-waterline as every other computer-related plot on mainstream TV, but I'd forgive the usual "I tracked his traceroute to a ping from 374.257.-111.999, which means he's using 5-bit ASCII..." stuff as long as enough spammers were finding other spammers' ears in their mailboxes.

I've got the plot outline for them right here.

Former Special Forces guy loses a leg somewhere he's not at liberty to talk about, uses his disability payments to start a little Internet Service Provider in his home town, and gets into one of those horrible legal battles with a spamming customer who forces him to keep hosting their server. Then goes on murderous crusade.

He can't just kill the guy he's having problems with, of course. He'll be the first suspect. If he kills eight other spammers first, though, then keeps on killing more spammers afterwards, he'll be harder to catch.

(Preferable murder technique: Cutting something valuable off the spammer and commenting on how it doesn't seem nearly as big as the advertisements promised, while they bleed out.)

The actual spammer-homicide rate is miserably low. There was that one Russian guy in '05, and a couple back in 1999, and that's about it as far as I know. (Anybody know of any others?)

So if nobody can make this happen in the real world, it should at least happen on TV.

5 Responses to “Not a jury in the world would convict you”

  1. Chazzozz Says:

    Heh. Had a particularly bad run of spam today, did you?

  2. Itsacon Says:

    How about starting up the site `', which collects paypal donations to have spammers liquidated?

    Not that I know any hitmen for hire, but the idea would be interesting, and I have no doubt you'd get the hits (and donations)...

  3. j Says:

    How about starting up the site `’, which collects paypal donations to have spammers liquidated?

    I know exactly how you could advertise for it!

  4. Alex Whiteside Says:

    And then you could email the spammers, telling them to pay up or you'll have them "eliminated".


  5. Jonadab Says:

    Actually, I think it would make a better movie if he kidnapped the spammers and tormented them in his basement, possibly by causing a computer text-to-speech program to read them spam, nonstop, message after message, for days on end.

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