The music goes round and round and comes out backwards

A reader writes:

Sometimes when I plug in my headphones it seems as if I'm not receiving any vocals. Its still stereo, but I find that the headphone jack isn't completely in. What's going on here? And why does it work so effectively at removing vocals?

Simon

The quick answer: You're hearing the two stereo channels mixed, with one of them out of phase with the other.

I can't for the life of me figure out how this happened, though. In the interminable rambling below I talk about a couple of other crossed connections that can, and often do, happen, but unless there's a bit of wire stuck in the headphone socket or some other such oddity, I don't know how you could have the exact symptoms you report. Unless, of course, what you think you're hearing isn't what's actually happening, which is eminently possible since the ear is as easy to fool as the eye.

Anyway, mixing one stereo channel with an opposite-phase version of the other channel means that any component of the musical mix which is essentially monophonic - in the middle of the stereo "soundstage", the same on both channels - will be cancelled out.

Singing in popular music is, usually, pretty much in mono in the middle of the stereo mix. So mixing one side with a phase-flipped version of the other side will cancel out said singing; all you'll hear of the singer is any stereo reverb or difference in volume between the two sides (a.k.a. panning).

This technique, called Out Of Phase Stereo or OOPS, is used in this simplest form by old and/or cheap karaoke machines that let you "mute" the vocals on normal music, so you don't need a special vocal-less karaoke version of every song.

Simple OOPS doesn't work very well, because vocals are seldom exactly in mono (they usually have some stereo reverb, for instance), and if any other component of the mix - drums, bass, whatever - is also mono, then that'll be muted too. Smarter OOPS vocal-muting tries to identify and mute only the vocals, based on the pitch and possibly even the timbre of the sound.

This weirdness can come about because headphone plugs use TRS (Tip, Ring, Sleeve) connectors. TRS connectors come in a variety of sizes - the big old-fashioned 6.35mm (quarter-inch), the ubiquitous modern 3.5mm (eighth-inch), and the usually unnecessary and irritating 2.5mm (3/32 or 1/10 inch, depending on who you ask). All three-contact audio TRS connectors are, or should be, wired the same way; the tip of the plug is left channel, the ring is right channel, and the sleeve at the base of the plug is a shared ground.

(This sort of cylindrical plug connector should only be called "TRS" if it has these three contacts. Mono-audio cables with the same sort of plug, like for instance guitar leads, omit the ring contact and should therefore be called just "TS" connectors. Connectors with two ring contacts, as for instance used for stereo headsets with a microphone, should be called "TRRS". Sometimes you'll see any plug of this basic form called a "TRS" plug, though, regardless of how many contacts it actually has.)

Most headphones today have a 3.5mm plug; fancier ones...

Sennheiser plug

...come with a 6.35mm adapter for it, too.

Some headphones mix it up a bit. One of these Sennheisers has a simple 3.5mm TRS plug on both ends of its cable, so you can very easily and cheaply replace the cable if it's damaged...

Sennheiser cable plugs

...but the other has a 3.5mm TRS on one end of its cable, and at the other end the cable splits into a pair of 2.5mm TS plugs, one for each side of the headphones.

If a TRS plug isn't fully inserted, contacts on the plug can touch the wrong contacts in the socket.

(This characteristic makes this shape of plug a bad fit for many applications. I once bodged up a two-voltage power-supply connection for an external SCSI drive box for, of course, my Amiga, using a 6.35mm TRS plug and socket. I avoided the dangers of connecting one voltage to the other's contact and the other voltage to the ground contact by only connecting or disconnecting the power supply when everything was turned off. Or, at least, connecting or disconnecting it really fast.)

A partially-inserted TRS plug could, for instance, leave the tip contact on the plug touching the ring contact of the socket, and the plug's ring contact not touching anything, and the sleeve of the plug still touching the sleeve of the socket, because the sleeve is much longer than the other two contacts. This sort of mis-connection will give you the signal meant for your right ear in your left ear, and no sound from the right side of the headphones.

(The sleeve of the plug is connected to the braided or foil shield of the cable, and any or all metalwork on the plug that is not the tip or ring contact will also be connected to the shield - it's all one big sleeve contact, basically. TRS sockets almost always work the same way; the socket has small tip and ring contacts, but the rest of the socket's metal is all sleeve. This makes it very easy for the sleeve of plug and socket to remain connected when the plug isn't all the way in, and if the plug's a long way out of the socket it also makes it pretty easy for the plug's ring contact to touch the socket sleeve contact.)

I encourage readers, by the way, to try this out yourselves; it's pretty much impossible to hurt your headphones or anything you plug them into by only plugging them in half-way. So do that, especially if you find my interminable blather confusing, or just want to see if you can create Simon's symptoms for yourself.

Another mis-connection could have the plug-tip touching the socket-ring, and plug-ring touching socket-sleeve. Now you'll hear the signal meant for the right side through both ears, but it'll sound weird, because it's out of phase, as mentioned above.

This is because the left and right "drivers" of the headphones (the electromagnetic transducers that actually make the sound) are, with this mis-connection, now wired in series, with the wire going "out" of the left driver that's meant to connect directly to the sleeve contact instead only being able to connect to the sleeve through the right driver and the plug's ring contact, thereby feeding the right driver "backwards".

This causes the right side to be out of phase - when the left driver is moving toward your head, the right one should be too, but now its phase is inverted and it's moving away.

There are two reasons why I'm rabbiting on about this stuff at such outrageous length. The first is that basic audio cabling like this is something that almost everybody has to deal with, and it pays to know what connects to what even if you don't intend to be soldering up any cables of your own - though basic soldering is easy to learn, cheap, and can save you quite a bit of money.

(Just yesterday, I turned a couple of not-that-cheap Apple laptop power supplies, one electrically dead and the other with a fractured and fiendish-to-repair MagSafe plug, into one working power supply with an extra-long cable. Even the dodgiest off-brand MagSafe power supplies are about $US20; a genuine Apple one is $79. With basic soldering skills and equipment, this sort of thing is a literal five-minute job.)

The second reason for this ridiculously large post is that phase problems are actually very common in home audio, and not only among people who fix their own headphones and get one set of Profanity-Allowance-consuming minuscule wires backwards.

People have been creating phase problems ever since the invention of stereo, occasionally by mis-connecting a turntable cartridge, but usually by wiring one of their stereo speakers the right way around (red terminal on the amplifier to red terminal on the speaker, and black to black) and the other the wrong way (red to black, black to red). In this case, each speaker actually is playing the signal that it should be, but one is phase-inverted.

(It doesn't really matter whether you've connected red-to-red or the other way around, as long as both speakers are the same. In theory, having both out of phase with the way they should be, but in phase with each other, could cause an audible difference, but in practice it's only detectable by golden-eared audiophiles who see no need for tiresome things like blinded tests.)

If you've got two working ears, you definitely can hear when stereo has one side out of phase. It's hard to describe, though; it's sort of like having a head cold that's blocked one of your Eustachian tubes but not the other, or how things sound when an air-pressure change has popped only one of your ears. Here's a page that explains this, with nifty audio samples including one (MP3 link) that should sound mono in the first half and out-of-phase pseudo-stereo in the second half.

Out-of-phase audio sounds different on headphones and speakers, because of the basic differences between the two devices. Headphones deliver pretty much pure left-signal to your left ear and right-signal to your right, but each of your ears hears both members of a stereo speaker pair, plus umpteen reflections and resonances from the room you're in.

For this reason, if you're listening to stereo speakers with one side out of phase, there will be strangely little bass, because low-frequency sound has a long enough wavelength that the out-of-phase speakers can mix their sound even if they're separated by a few metres. Higher-pitched centre-mixed components of the music won't cancel as much, though.

Just to make things even more complicated, sometimes it's good to reverse the phase of a subwoofer or surround speakers, to compensate for subwoofer location or the distance of the surround speakers. There's often a hardware switch on a subwoofer or a configuration option on a surround receiver that'll let you do this, or of course you can just switch the wires around or make a crossover RCA cable.

There are also some stereo recordings on which phase reversal is undetectable, because the two channels share nothing at all. Many early stereo rock tracks are like this, and are pretty much intolerable to listen to with headphones because the stereo mix puts each instrument entirely on the left or right channel. Ringo and Paul on the left, John and George on the right. Nobody minded this very much at the time, because almost everyone heard this music in the mono mix, but to make these tracks listenable with headphones you need a fancy headphone amplifier, or music-playing software, that has a "crossfeed" control, to deliberately mix some right into the left and some left into the right.

Out-of-phase mono - the same signal on both sides, but one way round on the left and the other way round on the right - kind of sounds like stereo, because you genuinely are hearing something different on each side. So what I think you, Simon, are hearing from your partially-connected headphones is a mixture of left and right, with one side's waveform inverted, the resultant mono signal being heard one way round on the left side and the other way around on the right. I just can't figure out how you could electro-mechanically get this to happen by only partially plugging in the headphones. I presume there's one contact on plug or socket that's touching two contacts on socket or plug, but I don't know which.

It is, again, entirely possible that you're not perceiving what's going on correctly; psychoacoustic effects can be powerful. But perhaps I'm just insufficiently imaginative. Any ideas (or experiment reports!), commenters?

Giant watery balls

A reader writes:

I recently saw a news article that linked to this government page:
http://ga.water.usgs.gov/edu/earthhowmuch.html
...which says if all Earth's water (liquid, ice, freshwater, saline) was put into a sphere it would be about 860 miles in diameter.

Now I understand an 860-mile sphere is massive, so even though that sounded small I could accept it, until they state the estimated volume of water on earth at 332.5 million cubic miles.

So how do you cram 332,500,000 cubic miles into a 860 mile sphere?

Matthew

Quite easily, actually!

The volume of a sphere is four-thirds pi times the radius squared cubed [Sorry I left that error there for so long, commenters!]. So if the radius is 1 unit, the volume is 4.19 cubic units.

The radius of an 860-mile sphere is 430 miles. 430 cubed is 79,507,000. Four-thirds pi is about 4.1888. Multiply that by 79,507,000 and you get about 333,038,143, a number less than 0.2% larger than 332,500,000. The difference is accounted for by variations in precision in working out the number, since this is really only a ballpark figure and taking it to nine significant digits is silly.

To "sanity check" this if, like me, you always feel mildly nervous about the order of operations for a calculation like 4/3Πr^3, consider the volume of a cube 860 miles on a side.

The volume of a cube is of course just its edge-length cubed, and an edge length of 860 miles gives a volume of 636,056,000, a nice sane-sounding 1.91 times the volume of the sphere that'd neatly fit in that cube.

My own second-favourite way-to-visualise-the-quantity-of-something is that all the gold in the world (not including gold we have yet to dig up or somehow extract from seawater) would make a cube only 20 to 22 metres on a side, depending on who you ask. To help visualise the size of the cube, 21-ish-metres is about the length of two city buses parked nose to tail.

Because gold weighs 19.3 grams per cubic centimetre, though (11.16 ounces, or 10.16 troy ounces, per cubic inch), a 21-metre-on-a-side cube of gold would weigh 178,737 tonnes. So I suppose you wouldn't have to worry too much about someone stealing it.

(Unless you are very wealthy, you probably can't buy a large enough lump of gold - especially at today's outrageous prices - to really appreciate its density. At current prices, one kilogram of gold would cost you more than $US51,000. Tungsten, however, is 99.7% as dense as gold - I'm sure counterfeiters have gilded tungsten for profit many times - and it's much more affordable, though still expensive. The good people of RGB Research {here on eBay US, here on eBay UK, here on eBay Australia} have their one-kilo tungsten cylinders on sale again for a mere $US220 plus rather pricey delivery. If you can afford one, and have the slightest interest in science toys, I urge you to buy one; my own tungsten cylinder is one of my most treasured possessions. And one of the most durable, too; if the house burns down the tungsten cylinder, like my Bathsheba Grossman Metatrino, will be sitting intact in the ashes.)

My most-favourite way-to-visualise-the-quantity-of-something is that if you breathe on an ordinary marble, the thickness of the layer of condensation from your breath on the marble is approximately to scale with the thickness of the atmosphere on the earth.

(And another one, that doesn't really make anything much easier to understand but is prime stoned-party-talk, is that a human is about as much bigger than an atom as a galaxy is bigger than a human.)


Psycho Science is a regular feature here. Ask me your science questions, and I'll answer them. Probably.

And then commenters will, I hope, correct at least the most obvious flaws in my answer.

Tag! What is it?

A reader writes:

How do the little rectangular anti-theft tags work?

I get how the big anti-theft stickers work. They've got an obvious square spiral antenna that I presume collects enough microwatts from an incoming signal to run a little transmitter that sends another signal out.

But the little tags don't have any circuitry inside. I cut one open, and there are just some tabs of springy metal in there - two pieces next to each other, and a smaller piece separated from the other two by a clear plastic membrane.

The metal sticks to a magnet, but that's the end of my ability to figure out what it does.

Is there invisible nanotechnology in these things, or something? Hey, maybe they're a placebo!

Kim

Magneto-acoustic security tag innards

If they're a placebo, the alarm systems in shops seem to really believe that it works.

What you're looking at there (here's a more elegant cutaway picture on Wikipedia) is called a magneto-acoustic, or acousto-magnetic, tag. Which is one of those things that doesn't really sound as if it ought to work, but does.

The first two of the three tabs inside are, I think, a couple of pieces of amorphous metal - which is quite an exotic material to be stuck to commonplace consumer items just to stop people stealing them. Amorphous metal is, in a way, the opposite of nanotechnology; it's metallic glass, special because it lacks the microscopic crystal structure of normal metals.

The third tab is a piece of less exotic, medium-coercivity metal. When that third piece is magnetised, the two other strips, which are sitting loose in their little plastic coffin, become quite easily moved by external magnetic fields. (They're amorphous metal because that's already unusually easy for external fields to move.)

The security gateways as you leave the store emit a pulsed magnetic field up in the tens of kilohertz, at the resonant frequency of the amorphous-metal strips. When next to their mildly-magnetised buddy, this quite tiny field causes the amorphous-metal tags to buzz, and to continue to buzz for a very brief moment after each pulse of the external field. This very brief "ringing" period causes a tiny change in the magnetic field of the third strip, which an antenna in the security gateway, very implausibly, detects. And off go the sirens.

The thingy at the checkout that deactivates the tags is a degaussing coil. It more-or-less demagnetises the third strip, which both reduces the magnetic sensitivity of the other two strips, and removes the field which the other two strips modulate. So now the sirens don't go off.

I am entirely unable to think about any security system without immediately trying to figure out ways to defeat it. (I try to avoid airports nowadays. They make me feel like Jackie Chan in a deckchair factory.)

One obvious but impractical way to defeat magneto-acoustic tags would be to degauss them yourself; I don't know how strong the degausser needs to be to achieve this, though. You might be able to pinch stuff if you just smuggled a CRT-screen degaussing wand into the shop, and found somewhere to plug it in.

Swiping your own rare-earth magnet across the tag would, if anything, probably make it work better (by more strongly magnetising the third strip), but I wonder if leaving a magnet or three stuck to the tag, in a Halbach array if you're fancy, might silence it. Just chopping it bodily off with a potato peeler would probably do the job too, of course, but where's the fun in that?

(If you can magnetise tags yourself with a ten-cent eBay magnet, then you could pry them off things you've bought, reactivate them, and attach them inconspicuously to things which other people may innocently carry into shops. You could, is all I'm saying.)

The square-antenna type of tag, by the way, is also pretty simple. It doesn't actually have anything fairly describable as a transmitter in it, but is rather a tuned circuit that resonates somewhere in the low megahertz. This makes it detectable, if a nearby transmitter/receiver combo rapidly sweeps its output through the relevant frequency range and looks to see if something is managing to suck up some energy at the appropriate frequency.

This kind of tag is deactivated by, essentially, blowing out the capacitor essential to their resonance with a higher-powered signal. I think a shoplifter could probably defeat these tags by just dragging a knife across them a couple of times, though, breaking the circuit. I haven't actually tried this, though, because it'd mean missing out on all of the fun of a good old-fashioned armed robbery.

Perhaps someone who's worked in retail since fancy security tags came into vogue will enlighten us in the comments.

I would also like to hear from anybody who's successfully used the "just lob the item high over the security gate and into the hands of your partner in crime" technique.

Not the publicity he was looking for, instalment 3762

A reader, well actually he probably isn't, writes:

From: "japan-best.com webmaster" <postmaster@japan-best.com>
Date: Mon, 07 May 2012 22:27:24 +0900
To: dan@dansdata.com
Subject: Inclusion in one of your articles

Dear Dan

I am Marc with japan-best.com

i read your article here
http://www.dansdata.com/contact.html
and would like the possibility of include my site in it.
I have also took note of yOur paypal adress :-)

You can check us here :
japan-best.com <http://japan-best.com/en/>

I am looking forward to hearing from you and discuss that further

Have a great day

Regards
Marc

Marc, buddy, your Spam-O-Matic might need a little recalibration, there.

My contact-and-donation pages may score surprisingly high for various panhandling Google searches, but that doesn't mean it'd be a good place for you to advertise your site full of allegedly Japanese merchandise.

Including, I now see, some front-page items whose description does not match their pictures.

At first glance, Japan-Best looks like a valid online store, but the more things I click on, the more I think it may actually be a 100%-machine-built lazy-dropshipper paradise. Or, conceivably, just a fancy way of stealing credit card numbers.

Or maybe it's legit, if clumsy, but massively overpriced. Look at this hideous wristwatch, for instance; from Japan-Best, including shipping, it costs twice as much as the same item on eBay.

Between eBay and legit dealers like HobbyLink Japan, I don't think there's much reason for anybody to buy stuff from weird machine-made sites like Japan-Best. But I'm sure a little PayPal baksheesh to get some crafty links inserted in random high-PageRanked Web pages will turn that right around for you, Marc!

UPDATE: Marc quickly replied in the comments below. Then, more than six months later, he decided to e-mail me this:

Date: Thu, 18 Oct 2012 14:30:50 +0900
From: "japan-best.com " <postmaster@japan-best.com>
To: dan@dansdata.com
Subject: remove private infos

japan-best.com here,
Say what you want about the website.
but remove the email adress from the article, you have no right to do that.

So apparently the postmaster@domain address is sooper sekrit private information now. I learn something every day!

This on top of the strangely popular idea among Internet ne'er-do-wells - which is the only reason I'm bothering to add this update to the post - that there's something confidential about e-mail you send to strangers.

It might be polite to not publish the reply address as well as the rest of an unsolicited commercial e-mail from a stranger, but "rights" don't come into it. Well, unless there's some nutty Net-privacy law where the complainant and/or "culprit" live that forbids disclosing such information without consent.

Failing that, there is no more reasonable expectation of privacy of your return address when you send an e-mail to a stranger than there is of your phone number if you telephone a stranger who has Caller ID. People you annoy on the Internet have no legal obligation to keep your identity secret.

And if your address is one of the standard addresses you should expect to find on any mail server...

So I reckon I'll leave it as it is, Marc. Your move, genius.

Posted in Scams, Spam. 7 Comments »

One LED, two LED, red LED, blue LED

A reader writes:

Myself and a friend were just reading Big Clive's "Hack your solar garden lights", and we are unsure how he came to those amp readings and the conclusion that two LEDs use less amps than one.

LED brightness comparison

I am assuming we are just missing something, could you please enlighten us?

Daniel

To oversimplify, two LEDs in series have more resistance, so less current flows. But halving the current passing through an LED doesn't necessarily halve its brightness. Standard high-brightness 5mm LEDs generally have a 20-milliamp current draw on the spec sheet, but will glow from much less, and may be considerably more efficient at small currents.

The reason why this is an oversimplification is that LEDs, unlike incandescent-filament lamps, aren't just a relatively simple resistive device.

(And the "relatively" is in that sentence because not even tungsten-filament bulbs are completely straightforward. They have, for instance, a much lower resistance when cold than when operating. And reducing the power of a filament bulb will generally give you a reduction in apparent brightness that's greater than the reduction in power, because the filament will be cooler and more of its output will be down in the invisible infrared. LEDs, in contrast, only know how to make one colour, even when they're only barely creating a tiny spark of light. This is the case for white LEDs too, because to date all of those are actually blue LEDs with a phosphor coating that turns some of the blue light into other colours.)

Instead of being resistors, Light Emitting Diodes are, yes, diodes, with a constant voltage drop across them at a given temperature. But when they're lit they get warmer, causing them to pass more current and glow brighter and get warmer again, which can rapidly lead to destructive thermal runaway unless the LED is restrained in some way, by for instance limiting the source voltage so the LED will just never be able to get hot enough. Or, more commonly, by limiting the maximum possible current.

You can see how this can get complicated. (Power-supply design in general is a surprisingly tricky field.) Just running LEDs from a simple DC source via current-limiting resistors can be a bit complex; proper efficient LED drivers that deliver a set current no matter what LED you plug into them are more complicated again. (The drivers in garden lights are elegant, but like the "joule thief", not actually very efficient.)

Don't let all this put you off monkeying with garden lights, though; as Clive says, they're both easy to modify and so cheap that it doesn't matter if you wreck something. Just add some of the incredibly cheap high-brightness LEDs you can get nowadays (which I mentioned the other day), and you can make all sorts of decorative, and even useful, solar LED lights for close to no money at all.

Spooky sun sizes

A reader writes:

The Oatmeal recommends sites get more traffic and Facebook likes by writing an epic love story involving cage-fighting nuns and tanks, or if that is not possible, explaining why the sun and the moon appear to be the same size in the sky.

Both of these seem right up your alley, but frankly I for some reason find the second one more interesting. Why ARE the sun and moon the same size? Is it just a bizarre coincidence, or is there some astronomical orbit reason for it?

Lucas

I'm afraid it is indeed just a fluke. Which, furthermore, starts to look less amazing when you discover that the sun and moon don't actually have a particularly spooky similarity in size.

I remember reading some flaky book when I was a kid, possibly some von Däniken claptrap or other, that made much of the extraordinarily precise apparent-size match between the 0.55-Earth-diameter moon and the 109-Earth-diameters sun. Surely this cannot be mere coincidence, hence ancient astronauts and Nazi moon bases and the various Stargate series are all documentaries et cetera.

Unfortunately for these otherwise-very-plausible speculations, the sun and moon are not actually the same size in the sky. They can be, but they usually aren't.

The earth's orbit around the sun is not perfectly circular, but it's close. On average it's one astronomical unit (oddly enough), but we're closest, 0.983 AU, in early January, and furthest, 1.017 AU, in early July. The actual sun stays the same size, so from our point of view it ranges from 31.6 to 32.7 minutes of arc.

For visual learners, that's about this much of a range:

Apparent change in size of the sun

(I made this from this NASA picture depicting a gigantic magnetic filament erupting from the surface of the sun. The same filament would not, of course, be there in both January and July.)

The moon's orbit around us is more eccentric than the earth's orbit around the sun, so the moon changes in apparent size much more dramatically than the sun does. It ranges from 29.3 to 34.1 arc-minutes or, to the same scale as the above sun picture...

Apparent change in size of the sun

...this much.

(I took that moon picture myself. Residents of the northern hemisphere are invited to stand on their heads to make it look more familiar.)

(UPDATE: I forgot to mention the moon illusion when I first put this post up. Yes, the moon, and the sun too for that matter, seems bigger when it's near the horizon. No, it actually isn't. If anything, it's smaller!)

Moon and sun size range comparison

Here's the two ranges compared.

The only time when ordinary people really compare the size of the sun and moon is, of course, when there's a total solar eclipse. Then it really does look as if the moon neatly covers the entire sun, helpfully giving us a nice view of the corona, which is normally washed out by the much greater brightness of the body of the sun. (You can actually view the corona from the surface of the earth at other times, but you need special equipment to block out sky-glare.)

At this point, you may be wondering whether the roughly-month-long lunar size cycle and the year-long solar size cycle can coincide with an eclipse in such a way as to put a minimum-size moon in front of a maximum-size sun (well, any size of sun, really, there's not that much difference), so that the moon fails to completely obscure the sun.

Yes, it can; it's called an annular eclipse, and there's one coming shortly, though I won't be able to see it from here in Australia.

Here is a lot more information about all of this.


Psycho Science is a regular feature here. Ask me your science questions, and I'll answer them. Probably.

And then commenters will, I hope, correct at least the most obvious flaws in my answer.

Hey presto, an old fuel saver is new again!

Remember the Moletech, or possibly MTECH, Fuel Saver?

Pretty much your standard magical catalyst-or-something, it got pimped by the Sydney Morning Herald, and those guys who say every hokey fuel saver in the world works said it works too. And then the Herald article disappeared in a way that basically said THIS ARTICLE HAS DISAPPEARED IN A SUSPICIOUS WAY, even as the Australian Government department that was alleged to be testing the device told me they'd never heard of it.

And then the Herald covered their tracks with the professionalism of a small child attempting to rearrange eight cupcakes to conceal the fact that there used to be twelve cupcakes.

(If Asher Moses wants me to ever forget he wrote that piece, and more importantly that he or one of his Herald workmates then stumbled around incompetently trying to pretend the article never existed instead of just saying "whoops, sorry" like a sensible person, he's going to have to kill me. It would appear that Twitter and the SMH actually are a bit similar, dude.)

Aaaaanyway, rejoice, for the Moletech-or-whatever fuel saver still stands ready to relieve you of a few hundred bucks while for-a-certainty paying for itself really really soon with amazing mileage gains. Entirely according to the usual script for BS molecular-magic fuel savers, the Moletech people have opened new marketing vistas and evaded any disappointing online commentary from clearly crazy people who suggest their product might not work by changing the product's name, to "Greentech".

Any doubts you may have about this clearly-unassociated-with-that-Moletech-thing-that-didn't-work product are sure to be dispelled by the new Greentech Web site, whose FAQ page currently contains the following hard evidence:

Q: How does it work?
A: Immediately effect will be observed as soon as the contact between the fuel and Greentech Molecule Enhancer was established.

The Greentech doodad comes in two parts, too, one for the fuel and one for the air intake. I think the Moletech gadget only had one. This makes all the difference, I'm sure.

On the somewhat less... slender... "Main Functions" page, the Greentech people explain that their product does all of the things that magic quantum magnetic moonbeam fuel-saving devices are always claimed to do (plus, oddly, apparently the magical removal of pollen and tobacco smoke and other such things that human beings do not like breathing from the air going into the engine, even though an engine doesn't give two slim shits about whether a bit of pollen made it through the air filter).

How is the Greentech thingy meant to do this?

Why, by reducing Van der Waals forces between fuel molecules, of course! A Canadian distributor rabbits on about this at greater length.

This, as usual, would be either study-of-physics-revolutionising instant-Nobel-prize material, or cause a slow but inevitably apocalyptic unravelling of the very fabric of the planet, depending on whether your view of fuel-saver-company quantum flapdoodle tends more towards the Larry Niven/Iain M. Banks or Peter Watts/J. G. Ballard ends of the sci-fi spectrum.

If it didn't kill us all by next year and actually did what they claim - more power, less fuel consumption, lower exhaust emissions, just like all the rest - then the Greentech doodad would, yet again, be a zillion-dollar product for sale to every maker of internal combustion engines, not something sold to end-users on the Internet.

The Greentech people are proud that they've been selling this thing for more than a decade now, but in all that time they've neither inked monster contracts with Toyota and General Motors, nor been erased by the conspiracy that's the only thing that could possibly have stopped them from doing so.

The abovementioned Canadian distributor hoped for a Sydney-Morning-Herald-like response to their product from Wheels.ca.

They didn't get it.

Those poor lemurs

A reader writes:

Thought you'd get a laugh out of this one:

http://www.ascendedhealth.com/brown-recluse/bite-treatment.htm

The best part:

Healing Frequency Resonation: These oils have been imprinted with the
universal healing frequency of 728 Hz using a modified Lakhovsky/Tesla
multi-wave generator embedded with oscillators made from large
double-tipped lemurian crystal mined from Minas Gerais, Brazil.

Eric

Dear god, the "Ascended Health" site seems to be genuine. Well, if you click on their "Buy Now" links you do at least get a PayPal page, not a "Ha! We fooled you!" message.

The danger here is subtly greater than that usually posed by using holistic universal healing frequencies, which is to say a placebo, to treat illness. The Ascended Health people claim to be able to treat the usual long list of diseases, but this one page, about treating brown recluse spider bites, is subtly pernicious in an unusual way.

It is generally known that brown recluse bites are Bad News. Especially among Internet-comic fans who know that the exceedingly grody picture on the Wikipedia article for loxoscelism - the results of a decent dose of brown-recluse venom in humans - is of the leg of Jeffrey Rowland, the Wigu/Overcompensating/TopatoCo guy. His depiction of himself in his comics has had a leg-scar for as long as he has.

(Rowland's story was, of course, recently severely beaten by what happened to Peter Watts. Oh, and anybody who at this point is thinking about complaining about links to scary spiders and nasty medical pictures should bear in mind the way in which I have responded to such complaints in the past. I got a million of 'em, kids.)

The thing is, though, that the brown recluse is not actually very dangerous, and even if one bites you, placebo treatment is likely to be effective. And it's an excellent ailment for sellers of useless woo-woo treatments in other ways, too.

Brown recluse bites, you see, often hardly hurt at all at first. It's actually quite difficult to persuade a brown recluse to bite you at all; about the only way for it to happen unless you are a lunatic doing it on purpose is if you put on clothes with a spider inside and thus press it up against your skin. Some spiders are aggressive (including a few of those for which my country, Australia, is so famous), but brown recluses really aren't.

(The Australian version of the forcing-the-spider-to-bite-you situation is redbacks in your boots, or, classically, lurking under the seat in the outside dunny. Redbacks aren't tremendously aggressive, but they're still likely to become quite cross if you sit on them.)

Even if you are bitten by a brown recluse, though, most bites inject little to no venom and do little to no harm. Treatment of such a bite with prayer or reiki or homeopathic antimatter will be entirely successful.

If a brown recluse manages to envenomate you only slightly, the bite will over days develop into a nasty sore that'll take forever to heal, but will heal. Unless you were already rather frail, or the sore gets badly infected, or some other complication develops, you'll once again be fine in due course no matter what treatment, genuine or woo-woo, you get.

If a brown recluse manages to envenomate you really effectively, though, you're in trouble. But the symptoms will still take days to develop.

So what we've got here is a bite that's hard to receive and detect, which may or may not do you any harm at all, and which will be separated from the actual illness it causes, if it causes any, by a significant amount of time.

This is immensely fertile ground for people to fail to correctly figure out what's going on, in both illness and treatment. A given "brown recluse bite" may actually be a bite from some other, less dangerous spider or insect. Or it may be an infected wound, or it may be some random mosquito bite or pimple that's grown in the worried mind of the patient into a terrifying situation, on account of how they're pretty sure they saw a spider yesterday and it may have been brown.

And even if you do have a real and highly envenomated recluse bite, it's not going to eat your entire body in an afternoon like necrotising fasciitis (which, again, is what Peter Watts was lucky enough to get). Hospital treatment for recluse-bite loxoscelism is basically supportive medicine to keep the patient as healthy and happy as possible, and removal of any particularly distasteful dead flesh. If the necrosis is serious enough to threaten a whole limb then the whole necrotising area will be surgically removed, but this is seldom necessary. Basically, you just keep the wound clean and wait for it to go away.

OK, so now let's suppose you've got genuine loxoscelism and you decide to treat it with mental telepathy and the singing of hymns.

Well, if you've got the rare kind that'll take a limb, you'll lose a limb, and possibly your life, because having your arm rot off is not good for you.

If you've got the much more common, much less dangerous form of loxoscelism, though, you'll just be in a lot more pain than if you were doped up in the hospital, and you'll probably wind up with a worse scar. You may manage to get blood poisoning or something, but most likely the disease will follow its natural course, and you'll recover. And believe that you were cured, unpleasant though the process was, by whatever pointless placebo treatment it was that you tried.

(There's also the possibility that woo-woo alternative-medicine treatment will actually be bad for you in and of itself. A significant subset of folk medicines are actively poisonous in one way or another. The Ascended Health "powerful synergistic mixture of special natural magnetic minerals and oils" doesn't sound very likely to be toxic if you're only rubbing it on a wound, but who knows.)

This is the great problem with unscientific medicine, which was all medicine up until the late 19th century. You don't know what the disease is, you don't know how it works, you don't know what the treatment does, you don't know what the confounding factors are, and in the end you may by pure chance actually manage to do some good, but that's not the way to bet.

This is why homeopathy was such a success when Hahnemann invented it in 1796. "Conventional medicine" at the time was likely to involve almost nothing that actually stood a chance of making the patient better, and several things that could kill people who weren't even sick. Compared to that, harmless homeopathic placebos were a giant leap forward.

Today, though, we've got treatments for a vast array of diseases that're much better than placebo. Even when you've got something like a recluse bite for which there is no direct treatment (antivenoms for recluse toxins do exist, but they have to be administered very soon after the bite, which almost never happens when the bite is hardly noticeable), there are still numerous evidence-based things you can do which are proved to make the disease less severe, or at least less unpleasant.

It is, once again, vitally important to take pains to avoid fooling yourself, because you are the easiest person to fool.

(I am aware, by the way, that Lemuria does not really have anything to do with lemurs. Lemuria, hypothesised to be the homeland of the lemurs which Philip Sclater knew of in Madagascar and India but not places logically in between, is yet another new-age trope for which the world can thank the regrettably-not-inimitable-at-all Madame Blavatsky.)