Chainsaws, sticky tape, and matters of life and death

In this post on Ben Goldacre's excellent Bad Science (a site to which I have linked tediously frequently), Ben opines that reporting on a peculiar suicide in such a way that readers would learn enough to be able to duplicate it is "one of the most appalling and foul pieces of reporting I have ever seen".

The report he's talking about is here, about the suicide of one David Phyall. Do feel free to read it, and the Bad Science post, before reading the rest of this.

Goldacre bases his objection on the fact that widely-disseminated reporting on particular types of suicide has been proven to increase not only the popularity of that type of suicide, but the overall suicide rate. In other words, if a popular newspaper puts anybody who throws themselves in front of a train on the front page with a huge headline and a big full-colour picture of the remains, you can expect people who would not, otherwise, have killed themselves to do so, and even to favour trains as the means of their demise.

"Suicidality" is not like genetics, or height, or even religion. Some people are seriously suicidal for a length of time, but most people who intended to kill themselves but did not, are not still suicidal the next day. (Which is a bit of a bugger if they've chosen a suicide technique that takes a while to kill you, like paracetamol overdose.)

Given this, it clearly is irresponsible for the mass media to report on suicides in their usual "hey, wow, check this out dude" tone.

But.

Here's a thought experiment for you, Ben.

How bizarre would a suicide have to be to make it acceptable, in your opinion, for it to be reported in sufficient detail that readers could, had they the determination and resources (two things that suicidal people typically, of course, lack), duplicate it?

Crawling under a pile-driver at a building site and waiting for the working day to begin?

Hurling yourself into the acid tank at an industrial galvanising plant?

Setting up a W. Heath Robinson contraption of string, rolling balls, clockwork robots et cetera that culminates with a trigger being pulled?

(For other options, allow me to recommend the inimitable Bunny Suicides, which you'd better buy in a hurry before they get banned because they're encouraging people to get themselves stung to death by bees or crushed by collapsing masonry.)

Yes, the description of this bizarre suicide told you enough that you could do exactly the same thing yourself. But doing something just a bit similar could leave you just as dead - you've got your chainsaw, you've got your neck, figure it out - and I can think of no way in which the event could have been accurately reported that would not have provided details of the particular way Mr Phyall did it - unless you leave it so vague that a large proportion of readers will want to know what the heck you're on about.

Giving yourself a fatal injury with a chainsaw isn't terribly hard, but actually cutting your head right off (in this case actually only almost right off) is. No half-sober editor would approve a story that didn't give at least an outline of what actually happened in a strange case like this, since the fact that Phyall managed to pretty much sever his whole head is why the death's being given more than 20 words in the first place.

Apparently this story - or very similar versions of the same thing, published in other places - was the subject of several complaints to the UK Press Complaints Commission, which is the usual sort of toothless media watchdog, but never mind that now. The PCC upheld some of the complaints as contravening section 5ii of their Code of Practice ("When reporting suicide, care should be taken to avoid excessive detail about the method used."). But they didn't uphold the same complaint about all of the stories.

It would appear that the line was drawn between stories that mentioned Phyall taping the electric saw's trigger down and allowing gravity to pull the blade through his neck, and stories - like the one on this page - which did not.

It does not seem likely to me that someone attracted to the idea of a chainsaw suicide would be greatly impeded by not having those particular pieces of information. But perhaps that's why I've not been asked to adjudicate these sorts of disputes.

I think Ben is drawing the line in the same place as the PCC, because the tape and the positioning of the saw are really all you can subtract from the story while still leaving it in a comprehensible state. OK, you could also not mention the timer-switch, but that wasn't really integral to the act.

All of the versions of the David Phyall story are grotesque to a greater or lesser degree, but that's unimportant, for those of us who are able to learn about a terrible thing without suffering a grave injury to our innocence.

What's more important - immensely important, actually, even if it's routinely ignored by everybody who matters - is that these stories are clearly not in the public interest. Which, famously, is not at all the same thing as "what the public is interested in".

But that's not what Ben's complaining about. He called the Telegraph story "one of the most appalling and foul pieces of reporting I have ever seen", apparently because it included details which could have been figured out by a child charged with solving a (suitably Fisher-Price-ised) similar problem.

Bad Science has, in the past, complained about "journalism" which, if you ask me, really does constitute criminal negligence, at the least.

The bullshit MMR scare, for instance, and its bone-headed determination to make measles, mumps and rubella as deadly as they always used to be. Or, recently, an utterly backward story about prostate cancer screening, which is just another in Bad Science's very long list of miserably incorrect, and actively dangerous, failures of mainstream science journalism in general and medical-science journalism in particular. Or the stupid "balanced reporting" in which no statement is so ridiculous that it cannot be printed after "But critics allege...".

These stories don't encourage people to die in impressive, blood-all-over-the-train-platform ways. But they certainly do encourage people to use worthless "preventative" "nutritional" approaches, or dangerous treatments, or no treatment at all, for dangerous yet conventionally-treatable illnesses. Even if they only take a few weeks, on average, off the life of all of their readers (I include in this time spent doing unpleasant things that you think are therapeutic, but aren't), that adds up to a lot of whole lives down the drain.

And, heck, Ben's even tackled BS stories about suicide.

The funny thing is that all of the dreadful medical-science stories really do encourage people to do what the people in the story did, and they do so more strongly than stories about non-"bizarre" suicides. (I base this evaluation on the assumption that most people will find a "do this and you'll be healthy" story more persuasive than a "do this and you'll be dead" one.)

So I can only presume that Ben's "appalling and foul" archive includes all of the above, and ranks them higher than the story about the chainsaw suicide.

I contend that reports of bizarre suicides, as opposed to the usual solitary, miserable type that excites the prurient interest not at all, do not, in fact, have a significant effect on the overall suicide rate.

I'm also pretty sure they do not encourage people to start trying the same bizarre suicide technique. I base this on the fact that the same places that reported one bizarre suicide would be pretty likely to report copy-cats with larger and larger headlines - but I haven't noticed a sudden plague of reports about autodecapitations after the Telegraph report on the unfortunate Mr Phyall.

There actually were a couple of chainsaw-suicide reports earlier in 2008. This bloke killed himself in March - perhaps a proper big professional chainsaw makes it easier to lop your head off - but that brief report is one of those dodgy ones that sounds as if it was boiled down from a piece in some other, non-English-language newspaper, and in any case says the man had been suicidal for some time, and had just watched one or the other version of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. So I doubt he was following any real person's lead.

The Daily Fail Mail said this bloke sawed himself at almost the same time - so it's conceivable that he actually did see the previous report.

But I don't think it's likely.

It is uncontroversial that men prefer splashy, kinetic suicide techniques, which tend by their very nature to be more effective than the more passive techniques - wrist-slashing, pills - preferred by women. Lots of men have killed themselves with one or another kind of power tool (not always on purpose, of course).

And chainsaws are an iconic Dangerous Object. Nobody who doesn't work with them every day can avoid thinking about the sheer destructive power a chainsaw represents, in the real world and in the popular imagination, whenever they pick one up.

I mean, do a Google Images search for "chainsaw" (SafeSearch off...), and as of this writing eight of the 20 images on the first search-result page feature a saw wielded as a weapon, splattered with blood and/or converted into a purpose-built man-slicer.

Reporting of prosaic suicides seems entirely different to me. But it's still confusing.

Informing your audience that an inexpensive unvented charcoal heater in your sealed bedroom is an effective way for people who do not own a car to gas themselves is, I suppose, dangerous and irresponsible.

But what about reporting that people using combustion heaters should be very sure that the room is adequately ventilated, and mentioning that X many people were found dead last winter? That's a perfect example of public-interest reporting, right? Government agencies have pamphlets about it.

Ignoring that little confounder for now, a charcoal-heater carbon-monoxide suicide story does have all of the ingredients to encourage copy-cats. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's passive. As with the classic overdose, you just do something simple, then go to sleep, and you don't wake up. Even if you don't really and truly want to die all that much, passive techniques like this feel like offloading the responsibility onto the universe. It ain't like overcoming the strong instinctive desire to not jump off a tall building.

A person so miserable that they can hardly get out of bed can still take an overdose, or light a heater.

David Phyall, in contrast, set up a simple but ingenious timer contraption to kill himself. I don't know what was going on in his head, but if it was hard-core black-dog clinical depression, he must have been some sort of superman to be able to rig up that saw contraption.

(Just to put another twist in the story, Phyall also apparently did it as an act of protest. Not a very rational act of protest, I grant you - the various reports say he just didn't want to move out of his flat, in a building which was going to be demolished - but a protest nonetheless. Nobody's very likely to kill themselves out of solidarity with Phyall, but if a paper prints a story about a spectacular suicide to protest some real socio-political issue, and more people then kill themselves in the same way to protest the same thing, I don't think it's entirely reasonable to ascribe this entirely to the media coverage.)

If Ben's argument were that the media should abandon their love for cheap sensationalism and report on things that actually matter to people beyond the family and friends of the latest person to die strangely (among the dozens, if not hundreds, who died the same day from non-newsworthy but preventable causes), then I would agree with it. I'd still think that any report that actually told the audience about a real, if prurient, thing that happened would be preferable to the ones that're just trumpeting nonsense from some press release, but that's like enjoying eating grass more than you enjoy eating sand. You'd still prefer food.

The mainstream media really are in a terrible state. It's simply impossible for the remaining staff at the world's newspapers and TV stations to do proper journalism, most of the time. Some of them are plainly incompetent and/or lazy, but lots have their act together and work as hard as anybody ought to have to. There's just too much space to fill, and too little time to fill it. So journalists are reduced to dubbing their own voice over PR-firm Video News Releases, printing press releases as news, and stuffing every stupid gory headline-grabber they can find into their papers, while wars and famines trundle along in the background, out of sight.

This is hardly a new phenomenon, of course, but everybody's doing "tabloid journalism" now, to a greater or lesser extent.

Against this backdrop, I think an accurate account of one poor fellow's unusual demise does not qualify as significantly more "appalling and foul" than any 20 other articles in any modern newspaper you care to name.

At the beginning of Ben's post, he has a preface, not present in the newspaper-published version of the article, which apologetically says that it it his "first unambiguous abuse of my position as a 'columnist'". He says that he's so upset about this because of hideous and unnecessary prurient media interest in the death of someone - not the chainsaw guy - that he knew. He then opines that the media's irresponsible reporting on coroners' inquests means that they should no longer be allowed to do so - that, in other words, the court should be closed and secret.

This is exactly wrong, and Ben well knows it. He has previously made it perfectly clear that he knows that the solution to bad reporting is not no reporting, but more reporting. Ben regularly makes fun of people who insist that they've got data to support their strange assertions, but it's a secret; making secret everything that happens in a court is far worse than that.

The Curse of the Regular Columnist is that you have to come up with something by deadline (or somewhere in the deadline's rough vicinity). This means you may find yourself letting unfinished thoughts out the door, or digging up something that's been in the "not good enough" folder for months. Ben's says he's been stewing over the chainsaw-suicide story for a while; I hope it only made it to print because he'd been staring at that deadly blank word-processor screen for a while, and really couldn't think of anything else to write.

So I think Ben's right: This is an "unambiguous abuse" of his position, and he has unfairly slurred the author of the "appalling and foul" article, with its appalling mention of sticky tape and its foul inclusion of information about the little-known force of gravity.

I can't think of another thing Ben's written with which I do not wholeheartedly agree, but this time he's screwed up.

Next column would be a good time for the apology, I think.

Another voter heard from

From: ron <starrwulf@yahoo.com>
To: dan@dansdata.com
Subject: website
Date: Tue, 17 Mar 2009 08:44:53 -0700 (PDT)

[Quoted from my first magnet review:]
The earth's natural magnetic field is about 0.5G, depending on where you are - it's weaker at the equator and stronger at the poles. It's also slowly declining at the moment, which is something that it does periodically; geological evidence shows that it's actually reversed several times over the planet's life. The mental giants at the Institute for Creation Research use the decline of the field strength to prove that the planet's only a few thousand years old.
In case you're wondering, this, like various other of their proofs, doesn't stand up too well.

;;;perhaps if you had listened to the explaination instead of hiding behind your evolution, the science of it would have made sense to you. Dr. Carl Baugh or Ken Hovind [Links mine! All spelling Ron's!] do a good job of explaining the science of it and other things the so called 'mental giants' of evolution ignore or deny out of hand. sorry to see your science falls short of what true science is suppose to be.

otherwise, your site is informative for the little i have read of it... between your evolution and earth magnetics belief, i am surprised you dont believe in perpetual motion, too.

I think there's something in that for all of us, don't you?

(Just in case some other green-ink-and-underlining correspondent is all het up about me linking to searches of infidels.org and talkorigins.org in the above quote, here's what the homosexual Satanists of Wikipedia have to say about Carl and Kent. {Apparently his friends call him Ken. Who knew?})

My (irradiated) balls are always bouncing

A reader writes:

Do you ride motorcycles or know anything about them? Please take a look at the RiderSaver™ EMF Shielding for Motorcycle Seats.

It's a bit of a long read, and I will not cover my nutts with aluminium foil anyway so you don't need to read it, but in case you do, is there really some bad radiation on motorcycles that could harm my precious balls?

Vlaho

This remarkable item appears to be the product of one Randall Dale Chipkar, who has a Web site for the product and his "Motorcycle Cancer Book" here. And whaddaya know - yet again, here's a proudly-displayed patent for a device, once again exploiting the general public's belief that you can't patent a thing unless it works. (You can actually patent pretty much anything you like, however crazy, as long as it's sufficiently different from other patented things.)

The nutty-sounding stuff on the RiderSaver product page about how the "outstanding magnetic field attenuation results from a unique heating/cooling process within a hydrogen reactive atmosphere" means that RiderSaver EMF Shielding is - or is at least supposed to be - "mu-metal", which is indeed commonly used for magnetic shielding.

There are some problems with using it for this purpose, though.

Problem one: Mu metal doesn't just "soak up" magnetism, like heavy drapes soak up sound. To use mu-metal to "contain" a magnetic field, you have to form the metal into a casing right around the field source. (You can do the same thing with ordinary mild steel, by the way - it just won't work as well.)

Just putting a mu-metal "hat" on top of a field source won't do this, though. It'll do something, but it's quite possible that you'll actually end up with the magnetic field lines being pulled down and concentrated right where your arse meets the seat, which I'm given to understand includes a piece of the anatomy known technically as the Bollockular Region.

(There's more info on all sorts of shielding as it applies to electronics, with helpful diagrams, here.)

Problem two: Mu-metal is for screening low-frequency, or static (i.e. just a permanent magnet) magnetic fields. The higher the frequency at which a field is oscillating, the less effective mu-metal will be.

If you've got a two-cylinder four-stroke motorcycle chugging along at 3000 RPM, its spark-plugs will be firing fifty times per second, giving an electromagnetic field around the plug wires that oscillates at that same 50Hz. And changes shape too, depending on the ignition-system layout.

50Hz isn't high-frequency - it actually qualifies as "extremely low frequency", or ELF, and ELF magnetic fields are what bother a significant portion of the people who're worried about the effects of non-ionising radiation on health. Mu-metal is often used to shield EMR in the 50-60Hz range, which is what you get from mains electricity.

[Although, as commenters point out below, the radio-frequency energy emitted from spark-plugs and their wires is broadband RF noise from DC to daylight, because that's what sparks do.]

The 50-60Hz fields from overhead power lines are a big concern for the EMR-avoiders, though I don't think anybody's ever demonstrated there to be any real risk. Yes, people who live under power lines have a higher incidence of many diseases including cancer. But people who live under power lines also tend to be poorer than people who live somewhere more picturesque, and poor people get many diseases, including cancer, at higher rates than rich people. If you do a proper test that controls for these "confounders", the health "effects" of power lines approach zero.

When you start digging into stuff like this, you'll soon find people using for support reports that say things like "the risk was elevated but not statistically significant". This is an unfortunate choice of words, because to Joe Average it means "the risk was only a bit higher". Statistical significance is actually what tells you if a result is likely to reflect reality, or just be due to chance.

A lot of medical studies use a "confidence interval" of 0.95. If something is statistically significant to this degree, there's only a one in twenty chance that it's just a fluke (and if different 0.95-interval studies all find the same thing, the probability of error drops rapidly).

Something that isn't statistically significant is something that doesn't achieve a decent confidence interval. A measurement with a confidence interval of 0.6, for instance, is only 60% likely to be a real result not due to chance. It's not wise to make decisions based on lousy confidence intervals, and what you should say if you're talking about dubious results like this is "there was no statistically significant difference in risk".

Getting back to engines, it's easy for them to produce magnetic fields at higher frequencies. If you've got a four-cylinder four-stroke bike pushing a bit hard at 8000RPM, for instance, the spark-plug field will now be oscillating 266.7 times per second, and mu-metal shielding will be less effective.

The other significant electromagnetic-radiation source in a bike or car is the alternator, which is all made out of electromagnets (alternators are related to field-coil electric motors, which were the only game in town in the days before good permanent magnets). Half of the electromagnets in an alternator are whizzing round and round; the alternator therefore creates a complicated rapidly-changing high-frequency magnetic field which mu-metal is probably not very good at shielding at all.

Problem three: Mu-metal actually needs to be hydrogen-annealed when it's in its final form. This is part of the reason why mu-metal shielding is expensive; you can't just buy a flat sheet of it and wrap and hammer it around whatever you want to shield. But the Web site for the allegedly-mu-metal stick-on RiderSaver stuff says it "can be cut and is bendable and pliable to accommodate intricate motorcycle seat internal base pans". As soon as you cut or bend mu-metal, you'll work-harden it, and its magnetic permeability, from which comes its high shielding ability, will be decreased. If all you do is wrap mu-metal foil around a box then it'll still work pretty well, only failing on the bent edges, but if you change the shape of most of the surface so you can jam your seat back down on top of it, you may well end up with no better a result than you would have gotten from some cheap sheet steel.

(All modern hard drives have a couple of high-powered rare-earth permanent magnets inside them. There's close to zero field outside or even impinging on the platters right next to the magnets, though, because the magnets are on the inside of an iron pole-piece assembly. Mu-metal would work even better, but it's not needed.)

Problem four: There's not actually any good reason to suppose that any of the clearly-understood risks of sitting on a motorcycle seat, above a spark-ignition engine, have anything to do with magnetic fields or electromagnetic radiation.

Motorbikes are dangerous, but that danger comes from Newtonian, not electromagnetic, physics. (I like the observation that if motorcycles had only just been invented, there's no way they'd be legal.) Per distance travelled, motorcyclists are something in the order of 35 times as likely to die as car drivers. (These numbers are the aggregate for all motorcyclists, though; if you ride a sedate commuter or cruiser bike then you're actually pretty safe. Crotch-rocket sport-bike riders apparently have a death rate ten times that of other motorcyclists, and they affect the statistics accordingly.)

If I had a bike, I'd be focussing my attention more on heavily armoured clothing than on any theoretical danger to my precious bodily fluids from non-ionising radiation. A factory-fitted device that disabled a bike's ignition if it detected that the rider was only wearing jeans and a T-shirt would do quite a bit to reduce bike-related deaths and injuries.

There's no way to convince some people that non-ionising radiation from phones or powerlines or wireless networks or whatever does not seem to be a significant health risk. "It's still radiation, isn't it?", they say. "And I read that Wi-Fi causes autism, too!"

Similar reactions to "nuclear magnetic resonance imaging" are what caused the name to be shortened to just "magnetic resonance imaging", or MRI. MRI machines have nothing to do with nuclear weapons, of course, but "nuclear", just like "radiation", equals "bad" for most people. Explaining that visible light is also a form of radiation doesn't seem to help. It's all forms of non-visible radiation that're considered to be dangerous. (See also people who won't eat food that has "chemicals" in it.)

There's a whole family of bizarre products and books having to do with the terrible dangers allegedly posed by all kinds of invisible radiation, empirical evidence be damned. "Electrosensitivity" - the alleged deleterious effects of non-ionising radiation of one kind or another - is a big market at the moment. Look at those "radiation shield" stickers for cellphones, for instance, which work every bit as well as the "antenna stickers". There are also cellphone anti-radiation products that may actually work; there's just not much reason to suppose that they're necessary.

(L. Ron Hubbard was ahead of the radiation-scare trend, in his inimitable style.)

But there are also plenty of people who believe that static or pulsed magnetic fields are good for you. There's some actual very narrow scientific support for this - pulsed magnetic fields may have some effect on the healing of fractured bones, for instance - but it is largely a crock, about as believable as the old electric belts. (Though presumably less harmful than the old health devices that used ionising radiation.)

Over and over, alleged "electrosensitives" have failed to demonstrate that they can even perceive electromagnetic fields and radiation, much less that those phenomena cause any ill effects. But that doesn't stop them from buying products like the RiderSaver that claim to protect them.

I find the RiderSaver much more amusing than most bogus radiation-blocking doodads. Worrying about whether EMR is in some unknown-to-science way barbecuing your bottom while you ride your donorcycle strikes me as being like making sure you put on extra sunblock before you participate in the Running of the Bulls.

The Loch Ness Carburettor

From a reader:

I was browsing the Internet and came upon this website:

http://www.himacresearch.com/books/secret.html

You've got a interesting ability to dissect stuff and determine if it's a lot of crap or not. It seems all very dodgy to me, but interested in your thoughts.

Leon

The 200-mile-per-gallon carburettor - in this case, it's only meant to be a 100-mpg carburettor - is, obviously, one of the golden-oldie corporate myths. (Where would you even put a 200-mpg carburettor on a modern engine?)

This site is a great example of the breed; among other things, it mentions the famous (in certain circles) Charles Nelson Pogue patents from the 1930s. You can patent almost anything, of course, whether it works or not, but the fact that those patents do exist is still, frequently, used as evidence that the Pogue carburettor worked as advertised.

Because the miracle carburettor is such a classic automotive myth, there are many excellent articles about it. Here on Snopes, for instance, and here on The Straight Dope.

Tony of fuelsaving.info has a page about atomisation gadgets, too, in which he explains why no possible carburettor could work any better than fuel injectors do, as can be proven by, for instance, looking at engines that run on gaseous fuel.

(It's also been pointed out that the steady progress of automotive technology means that lots of cars on the road today actually could be 100mpg vehicles. But as engines have improved, more and more heavy safety and luxury stuff has been added. If you strip that stuff out of a modern car and perhaps add some alarming aerodynamic mods, a hundred miles per gallon is not out of the question.)

There are other things that make these supposed devices look very unlikely, too, beyond the basic objection that people have been talking about it for decades, but the Giant Car Industry Or OPEC Or Masonic Or Something Conspiracy has managed, even in this modern age of the Internet, to prevent anybody from ever even sneaking such a car into a technical-college garage for tests. (The many people who've actually tried it and been disappointed are, of course, all actually just part of the Conspiracy.)

The maximum theoretical efficiency for any heat engine, including internal-combustion engines, is equal to the absolute-temperature difference between the hot and cold ends divided by the temperature at the hot end. To put it another way, a heat engine takes a high-temperature thing and extracts some energy from it, sending whatever energy it can't extract to its heat-sinking exhaust. For an internal-combustion engine, the hot thing is the fuel burning in the cylinders and the heat-sink is the atmosphere - and, to get the calculation right, that "absolute temperature" thing means you need to use Kelvin or some other starts-at-absolute-zero scale for the temperatures.

The bigger the temperature differential, the more efficient the engine. This is why steam engines need their steam to be so very hot, and also why Smokey Yunick's Hot Vapor engine quite possibly got better mileage than even the most advanced car engines do today. Shame about that little "setting everything else in the engine bay on fire" problem.

Anyway, even if aliens have given you a perfect internal-combustion engine, its ceiling efficiency is still cappped by this calculation.

Given the combustion temperature in internal-combustion engines and typical ambient temperatures, the maximum possible thermal efficiency for an internal-combustion engine is up around seventy per cent. No real engine actually manages much more than 25%, but about 70% is the limit.

The "200 mile per gallon" carburettor is supposed to work on ordinary big dumb American engines, whose fuel-efficiency without the magic carburettor is, let's say, 25 miles per gallon. If you boost a 25-mpg engine to 200-mpg, you must have improved its thermal efficiency by a factor of 200/25, which is 8. But we can empirically calculate, by measuring combustion-chamber and exhaust temperatures, that its initial thermal efficiency is about 20%. Multiply that by 8 and you get one hundred and sixty per cent, way off the end into perpetual-motion territory.

Even if it was a really fuel-efficient engine to start with, getting 40 mpg, and you're only talking about a one-hundred-mile-per-gallon miracle carburettor, you're still improving by a factor of 2.5. This is, at least, theoretically possible - assume 20% efficiency to start with, multiply by 2.5, and you get only 50%, below the theoretical maximum. But in all the engine labs of all the world, in all the sheds and garages and universities and giant car companies, there is no evidence that anybody's ever made an internal-combustion engine that is that efficient, unless it runs at spectacularly unmanageable temperatures.

It's perfectly possible to make a car, or even a motorcycle, that contains a very very hot engine of one kind or another. But the "miracle carburettors" never say anything about that. They're just bolt-on devices for normal engines, promoted with the usual BS about making the fuel burn better or swirling it around or something. Modern engines provably burn fuel very nearly optimally, so there's not anything to actually gain there.

But the myths will never die. The miracle carburettor is like the Loch Ness Monster; no amount of scientific investigation or logical argument can ever prove it's not out there, somewhere, in the mist.

Greener Gadgets: This time for sure!

Last year, one of the award-winners in the Greener Gadgets design competition wasn't all that it might have been.

To summarise: It didn't exist, and was physically impossible.

This year, the winner is an actual object that actually works. It's the "Tweet-a-Watt" prototype, a system that gives wireless computer access to as many power-usage meters as you like, so you can have your Internet washing machine - or, at least, the power-monitoring feature thereof - without having to wait for an appliance company to make one.

Some of the other shortlisted entries seem quite good, too. You can't argue with something that's actually built and working, for a start. And I spent a while trying to think of something wrong with this little cardboard PC case, but couldn't (here's a bigger one).

This roll-up solar flashlight wouldn't be cheap to make with current tech, but it looks workable. And the BugPlug looks fun and useful, while these evil eyes for standby LEDs are hilarious - I don't care if the light-guide design doesn't seem quite right.

The Zeer evaporation cooler looks good, too. As do the WattBlocks, except for the slightly embarrassing detail that they seem to be turning off "vampire" standby devices by adding a bunch of little doodads that must themselves be in standby mode all day. The clockwork Vampire Plug looks like a better bet, but doesn't do the same job.

Many of the other candidates seem to be the usual "cool design project" things that look really neat at first but become less and less appealing the more you think about them.

Take the RITI printer, for instance, which uses "coffee or tea dregs" for ink.

What a great idea! Make the coffee-ring work for you!

Except that dregs are full of particulates, which I strongly suspect would instantly clog any printer nozzle capable of output resolution better than that of a nine-pin dot-matrix. I suppose they could put a filter in the thing, but that'd have to be a frequently-replaced consumable for your "eco-friendly" printer.

(And apparently the whole thing's run by the user moving the print head back and forth by hand. So it doesn't just need sub-millimetre head-tracking accuracy to know when to squirt out a dot - which would seem to rule out the usual rubber-belt system - but apparently when you're sending a document to it, you have to whip the head back and forth so the printer can hear you. And yet it still features an on/off button.)

This neighborhood intercom doodad might perhaps work, but there'd be non-trivial security issues, unless you made setting the system up no easier than just instant-messaging your neighbours. (Not that it wouldn't be great to just drive through the city with a spare "Eco-Neighbuzz" transmitter broadcasting "Big dog-fight this evening at number 29! No homos, negroes, fat chicks or Jews!")

Some of the entries are more art object than realistic product (this one's on the border line), which is fine by me. I've got no complaints about those, unless they win prizes.

But then, along with various solar devices that don't seem to have enough cells to perform as advertised, there's this solar battery charger, which does not appear to have any solar cells at all. Perhaps the green block in the middle is Kryptonite, or something.

The Urban Fan is entertaining, too. It's a ceiling fan that plugs into a light-socket. Commenters predict rather unpleasant failure modes when you try to hang it from a loosely-anchored socket, and I'd like to add that if it uses an Edison screw fitting, it may unscrew itself after a few on/off cycles.

Oh, and then there's the Enviro'clock Bandage, which commenters observe appears to be a sticker with mental telepathy.

And it wouldn't be an eco-gadget competition without yet another dodgy small wind turbine. This time, there's one that has one little turbine that's meant to work in both wind and water. And the "Wind-Helmet" seems to be trying to set a record for personal-wind-turbine smallness and uselessness.

(Some commenters on both of those entries are, again, unimpressed.)

This solar-powered air-cleaning fan is only mildly stupid. This home 12VDC socket idea could work, but seems to me to be almost completely unnecessary (it's remarkable how many of these proposals have glaring spelling errors). And then there's PpMm pre-perforated paper, which aims to end the endless nightmare that is... tearing up a piece of paper.

If you find any other howlers in the top 50 candidates, please point 'em out!

A case study in involuntary magnetic body-modification

A few people have e-mailed me about this.

Big rare-earth magnets: They want to hurt you.

What you're looking at, here, is a sandwich. The sandwich's components are:

1: One large neodymium-iron-boron ("NIB") magnet.

2: The fingernail and finger-tip, mashed down to negligible thickness, of a gentleman called Dirk.

3: Another large NIB magnet.

Hackneyed though it is to say this, Dirk was lucky. He could have been luckier, I grant you, but he could also easily have lost a whole hand to rare-earth magnets this large.

You can read the whole grisly story here on the MagnetNerd.com site, the front page of which shows a couple of little half-inch-cube NIBs attracting each other through the thickness of a man's hand.

(The Magnet Nerd also has good pages about magnetic perpetual-motion machines and the various other evergreen magnet scams. And a line of chunky wooden implements to let you handle large NIBs, and pull the blighters apart, without losing any digits.)

The mutual attraction between magnets of all types increases, all other things being equal, exponentially as the magnets get bigger, and approximately with the inverse-cube of the distance between them. (That last part is the bit that really sneaks up on you.) So you can make an instant earring by sticking a couple of small NIB discs together with your ear-lobe in between, or you can smash your whole hand into wafer-thin steak tartare with a couple of magnets the size of cigarette packets.

I think it's brilliant that anybody can buy fist-sized NIB magnets from a variety of dealers - Forcefield ("WonderMagnet"), Engineered Concepts ("SuperMagnetMan"), and of course umpteen eBay dealers. I think the people selling them are generally very responsible, too; in product listings for the big buggers, there's usually a BE CAREFUL YOU IDIOT warning. And to my knowledge NIB magnets are generally very well packaged, too - collections of small magnets get a mild-steel wrapper, and really big magnets get great big double-boxed packaging, firmly holding the magnet in the middle of a large box.

The biggest magnets in this house are the two-inch-square trapezoid and two-by-one-inch cylinders from this old review. I don't know whether you could actually smash all of the bones in your hand by putting one of the cylinders on one side and one on the other. You'd probably just get a very nasty bruise. I'll leave the experiments involving gauntlets, eye protection and supermarket poultry to someone else, though. And the two-inchers ain't nothin' compared to what's on offer these days.

As I write this, a quick eBay search (if you use the not-often-useful "Price + Postage: highest first" sorting option) turns up a 4-by-1.5-inch disc for $US169.99 ex shipping, 2-by-2-inch cylinders for $US109.99, and, most terrifyingly, a two-inch sphere for $US139.99.

Spherical magnets have the problem that only a tiny area of their surface can be in contact with any other object - like another magnet - that isn't concave. For little sphere magnets - the quarter-inchers, for instance, that you can use to make impromptu rings or bracelets - this just means that they need extra-thick nickel plating so the little contact patches between the spheres won't quickly wear down to the brittle black ceramic of the magnet material itself.

A big NIB sphere, though, is aching to smash itself into other magnets just like every other big NIB, but is fated to deliver all of its terrifying impact energy to that one tiny contact point.

I imagine the X-rays of that victim would look quite interesting.

If you reckon it's time for everyone to start calling you "Lefty" or "Stumps", NIB-magnet dealers stand ready to assist you. The Engineered Concepts guy currently has a 6-by-1-inch ring magnet for $US425, 6-by-4-by-0.75-inch blocks for $US325, and wedges for the bold wind-generator maker (find info about this at Forcefield's other site, Otherpower.com) at $US720 for half of an eight-inch-outside-diameter ring.

Forcefield, meanwhile, will be pleased to sell you wedges suitable for making a 14-inch ring, for $US30 each. The rest of their range tops out around the two-inch size class.

(If you're for some reason not seized by an uncontrollable urge to maim yourself in an unusual way, I suggest Forcefield's $20 Grab Bag. It contains an assortment of different NIBs, none of which are big enough to give you anything worse than a blood-blister. If you're buying for a child - preferably one who's old enough to avoid swallowing more than one magnet - I suggest getting a large number of quarter-inch-or-smaller discs or cubes. They're cheap these days, and a lot of fun.)

Science Sunday

I just measured the electrical resistance of ice.

Ordinary water-ice is a conductor, but not in the usual way. The charge-carriers in most electrically conductive substances are electrons and/or ions, but in water-ice they're protons - mobile hydrogen nuclei. Technically those protons do still count as ions, since they're a hydrogen atom without its electron, but proton conductivity is a distinctly different phenomenon from the usual kinds.

(I am indebted to the inimitable Bill Beaty - previously - for this information.)

So I was sitting here, and I thought, "let's see how conductive ice actually is".

First experiment: Plug multimeter probes into bench power supply.

(Just yesterday, I discovered that you can plug "shrouded" banana-plug multimeter probes into the usual sort of knobs-with-banana-sockets outputs from a power supply; just unscrew the knobs, and the probe-shroud fits neatly around the bare socket!)

Get ice cubes from fridge.

Wind power-supply up to maximum voltage (31V, for this eBay-cheapie supply). Stab probes into ice.

Current-display reading: Zero.

The scale on the bench supply bottoms out at 0.01 amps, though. Perhaps the resistance is just too high for 31 volts to be able to push 10 milliamps through it.

OK, let's try again.

Grab $10 yellow multimeter which for some reason I use much more often than my much more expensive Protek meter.

Set yellow multimeter to its highest resistance scale, which tops out at two megaohms. Stab probes into ice.

Reading: Off the scale, just like when the probes weren't touching the ice.

Suddenly remember that there is a reason why the Protek meter cost more. Its resistance mode tops out at 40 megaohms.

Set it to resistance mode, stab probes into ice.

Eureka! A reading!

With the probes separated by about an inch and only sticking into the ice a millimetre or two, I got a reading of about ten megaohms.

(I took care to avoid letting liquid water bridge the gap between the probes. The ice cubes were made from ordinary tapwater, and clean tapwater is a very lousy conductor - but once you're talking megaohms, all sorts of unlikely things are conductive enough to mess up a test like this.)

No wonder I didn't get a reading on the bench supply. 31 volts across ten million ohms gives a current of only 3.1 microamps. Even with the bench-supply probes really close together I was a few orders of magnitude short of the 10 milliamps that's the least the bench supply can display.

Perhaps it's not surprising that there are all those magic-water quacks. Water may seem to be a straightforward enough substance, but look just a little closer and it becomes as strange as electromagnetism. Hydrogen bonding, proton conductivity, a multitude of different kinds of ice, weird high-temperature, high-pressure behaviour... it goes on and on.

But I think there'd actually be just as much water woo-woo if water didn't do a single unexpected thing, not even expand when it froze. Crackpottery spontaneously generates all over the place, and bothers with scientific evidence only when some portion of that evidence can be used to support it.

(On the subject of ice, by the way, I highly recommend this book. It's full of gorgeous pictures of snowflakes, but it's not just another glossy coffee-table picture-book; it also has a lot of information about how ice forms and why it looks the way it does.)

You should see what it does to whiskey

Yet another reader leads me somewhere I'd rather not go:

Science Illustrated magazine is running an ad for the John Ellis water machine which I'm pretty sure is a big pile of steaming crapola. This ad is billed as a medical discovery, and contains testimonials from people who supposedly recovered from incurable diseases in just days. I've attached a scanned copy of the offending ad:

Water gizmo ad

Normal I'd just scoff at such ads, but this was in a science magazine, so I wrote the email below to the magazine. Could you confirm that I'm correct when I say this product is nothing but snake oil and voodoo science?

David

-------------------------

Hello Science Illustrated Magazine Staff,

Your magazine was recently included as a bonus gift with Popular Science magazine here in Australia. Your magazine was a good read but I cannot take it seriously as a science magazine because you carry a full page advertisement for the John Ellis water machine which is obviously nothing but snake oil.

You insult your readers by running such ads. Worse, by taking money to run such ads, you are complicit in offering false hope to terminally ill people with discredited voodoo science.

Any magazine should be ashamed to run such an advertisement, especially a science magazine. Your legitimate advertisers should be appalled to be seen in the company of John Ellis.

David
Melbourne Australia

------------------------

There's a long tradition of ads for questionable devices in the backs of magazines like Popular Science. "Build Your Own Flying Saucer", et cetera. I agree, however, that outright full-page quackery is not at all the same thing as the usual "Make Big Bucks By Raising Minks" sort of ad.

And yes, this is, so far as I and the entirety of the world's evidence-based scientists and medical practitioners can tell, bollocks.

There's a surprisingly large number of other "clustered" or "energised" or "oxygenated" water products out there. I've written about them myself from time to time (see also, The Wine Clip), as have others. See, for instance Penta Water, a classic clustered-water product sold by classic clustered-water salesmen.

The John Ellis "Electron Water Machine" is a bit unusual, because it is a machine, essentially a still, with which you can convert the lethal product of your kitchen cold tap into a transcendental substance alleged to have the usual long list of peculiar qualities.

The Electron Water Machine is, for instance, alleged to create "a water freed of diseased memory plus extra electrons and oxygen, lowered surface tension and enhanced hydration". The "extra electrons" are classic water quackery; a Nobel Prize in physics - or accidental destruction of the planet, whichever comes first - could be yours if you actually managed to make "extra electrons" just sit there in bulk water. And the "lowered surface tension" part is the sort of thing that a young child could measure, were it true.

The thing that really makes people selling the Ellis machines different from every other water nut is that "diseased memory" thing. Apparently the fact that any given water molecule on this planet is rather likely to have passed through a lot of human and animal kidneys before it makes it to your glass is very, very bad, and this terrible ju-ju must be exorcised to make the water not actively injurious to health. (Take that, you eight-glasses-a-day fools!)

Like almost all other water woo-woo, though, the output of an Ellis machine is likely to be harmless, which is more than can be said for a lot of quackery. People selling magic water, and people selling devices that shine coloured light on you to treat every disease under the sun-through-a-stained-glass-window, and people who're just practising homeopathy for that matter, usually get to do their thing without interference from the government. That's because the regulatory bodies are usually understaffed and overworked, and are flat out just trying to deal with the really monstrous quacks.

I would also venture the opinion that if a given person can't figure out that there's something fishy about John Ellis from the 5000 words of large-text ranting that currently comprises the johnellis.com front page, then that person is likely to hand their money over to some other quack soon enough.

And the Ellis distilling machine probably does make perfectly good distilled water, though I wouldn't be surprised to see a less-floridly-advertised still that does the same thing for half, or less, of the $US1500 price of the base-model Ellis device.

If you're interested in the burgeoning field of water woo-woo, allow me to recommend Stephen Lower's "Water-related pseudoscience, fantasy and quackery". He breaks the various varieties of H2O scammery down into categories - there's "ionized" and alkaline water, for instance, a category which includes Australia's own "Unique Water". (That stuff was going to revolutionise medicine some years ago, but never quite managed it, for some reason.)

The John Ellis Electron Water Machine gets its own page on Lower's site, here. Lower addresses the bizarre advertising claims that Ellis made until recently - like, for instance, that "Fifty years ago the hydrogen bond angle in water was 108° and you rarely heard of anyone with cancer. Today, it's only 104° and, as a result, cancer is an epidemic!!"

Had the angle of any hydrogen bonds actually changed, the fundamental chemical and/or physical properties of water would have changed with them and there's a good chance life on earth would have died out, Vonnegut style. And note that the Science Illustrated ad talks about breaking hydrogen bonds in water, not changing their angle.

In a trivial sense, of course the Ellis device breaks hydrogen bonds; the plethora of hydrogen bonds in water is what gives the tiny water molecule such a high boiling point compared to other small molecules like, for instance, carbon dioxide (boiling point -78.5° Celsius) or methane (b.p. -161.6°C). So to boil water, you have to break the hydrogen bonds, and all normal distillation gear does boil whatever it's distilling, so duh, his thing does too. But so would a kettle, or an appropriately-modified cat-food tin. Presenting the breaking of hydrogen bonds as being something special and unique is like saying "Only the '09 Datsubishi Grapefruit reduces exhaust nitrogen oxide to nitrogen and oxygen, and oxidises carbon monoxide to carbon dioxide, at the same time!"

(Oh, and just for the sake of completeness: Overall cancer rates have indeed, generally speaking, increased over the last century - but, one: Cancer incidence neatly tracks increases in life expectancy, on account of most cancer being a disease of the elderly; would you rather live to 87 and then die of cancer, or die at 12 of smallpox? And, two: Cancer treatment today is far better than it was in the 1950s. We don't have a cure for all cancers, but we certainly do have cures for a lot of them.)

As Stephen Lower's article points out, Ellis has now changed his selling strategy, no longer mentioning impossible quantum physics and switching to impossible biology instead. Ellis now alleges that ordinary stills let through all sorts of dreadful substances - drug residue, germs, those mysterious things he calls "disease markers" - which his special machines block.

These claims are not hard to test. It is easy to prove that various off-the-shelf benchtop water distillers do in fact give you distilled water with tiny-to-zero content of undesirable substances. Well, except for "disease markers", which I suspect do not mean the same thing to Ellis as they mean to everyone else.

Ellis's old nutty quantum-physics claims survive here and there on his site, too. Just look at the order form (PDF). It informs you that different models of "LWM Electron" machine can be had for between $US1500 and $US2800 (all apparently big discounts on the retail price!), but it also babbles on about "clusters of water molecules" that "pick up more electrons". And on he goes with the bizarre statements about air oxygen levels "as low as 10% near the traffic in major cities!", which is what us professionals refer to as "not true".

(Ellis is, however, amazingly enough actually right when he says that atmospheric oxygen levels, as measured from air trapped in prehistoric amber, were much higher in the distant past. That was well before even the first mammals evolved, though; the air's current 21% oxygen content has been nicely steady for a very great deal longer than humans have existed. This is a detail that Ellis, like the numerous carpetbaggers who base their business on oxygen rather than H2O, does not feel the need to mention.)

And then there's a document on Ellis' site called "A Picture is Worth 1,000 Words..." (PDF). The "picture" in this case is a rather hideous scan, talking about how the Ellis "Electron Machines" are the only ones that remove "disease markers", modify the bond angle of water, et cetera et cetera as per his previous front-page selling points.

The exact wording (minus the painful ALL-CAPS) of what seem to be the critical part of this rather confusing document is:

"NOTE: By breaking down the hydrogen bonds in water, the CEA marker went down the water went into the blood stream (94% water)!! No other water can do this and it can be seen under a microscope that the red blood cells are nice and round with plenty of movement caused by electron energy!"

This seems to be saying that red blood cells, among other things, are chronically dehydrated, or something, in people who drink ordinary water. One or another version of this is a frequent claim among water weirdos, and so far as I can see, it's yet another quivering hairy sack of bollocks.

The human body, like the bodies of every other form of cellular life, is indeed quite critically dependent upon the water content of its various fluids. Generally speaking, it's important for many bodily fluids to have neither too little nor - and here's the important part - too much water in them.

The process by which your body keeps the fluids at the right level of dilution is a subcategory of homeostasis, called osmoregulation.

There is not the slightest reason to believe that you need to drink some special kind of water to make osmoregulation work properly. On the contrary, in fact: If someone did manage to make a form of water that "goes through a membrane" more effectively than the ordinary kind, plumping up all of your red blood cells until they were indeed "nice and round", then you would be suffering from hypotonicity, gravely ill and probably well on the way to death from hyperhydration.

Fortunately, the special water from these Electron Machines is in fact just ordinary distilled water, so I'm pretty sure that drinking it will not plump up your blood cells and kill you dead.

But the plump-blood-cells stuff sounds pretty good to the average punter on the street, who is unlikely to know anything in particular about osmoregulation or atomic bond angles or the difference between polar and non-polar molecules. So it's easy for water quacks like Ellis to come up with a line of quantum flapdoodle that sounds good enough to sell even very expensive allegedly-therapeutic thingummies.

The same strategy doesn't work nearly as well when you're talking about things that ordinary people actually understand, like for instance the basic characteristics of cars. Fuel-additive scammers must carefully restrict their claims to areas where an unscientific investigation can leave the customer thinking there's been an improvement, like fuel economy. You're guaranteed a healthy flow of testimonials if you sell mothballs as a guaranteed fuel-economy booster, because customers can't test them properly. Someone who's inclined to buy your mothballs in the first place may also, for instance, be inclined to drive more gently after popping the pills into the petrol tank, on account of how he wants to make sure that he doesn't accidentally drive much faster and thus unfairly erase the pills' effects. And then hey presto, there's your testimonial.

If the sellers of potions and gadgets for cars used the same promotional techniques as the sellers of water woo-woo, they'd say stuff like "The ThunderPower WonderPill improves power in V6 and V8 engines by increasing the angle between the cylinder banks!", or "MegaCam enlarges and multiplies your camshafts!"

And then there's the medical scammers who toss their scientific word-salad really thoroughly and thus babble on about tightly-wound quantum-entanglement dimension-brane conjugance. The automotive equivalent of that sort of sales spiel would be something like "The Alchemagic Performance MaGNeT makes your car go faster, because it puts an extra carburettor in the semi-boloid luggage manifold!"

(Actually, I'm sure there are some car gadgets that do make claims like this. The "Magic Power System Power Shift Bar", which plugs into the cigarette-lighter socket, is supposed to not just "tune-up" your car, but also clean it. And I'm honestly not exactly sure what the "Car Drive Power Igniting Ignite Engine Air Power Plus" is supposed to do, but it says something about the "piston pressure", which suggests a compression-ratio change, which cannot be done without changing the shape of major engine components. There are probably a few more of these sorts of products in the California Environmental Engineering filing cabinet. But the successful magic car gadgets do not make claims that're so obviously idiotic.)

This sort of self-evident nonsense - self-evident, that is, to anybody who knows what at least some of the "quantum" words actually mean - does, however, remain adequate to get at least some people to buy really expensive magic health gadgets, like the Ellis Electron Machines.

And sure, most of these things are, in themselves, harmless. But every penny someone spends on one of them is a penny they could have spent on something that would actually make them more healthy - or at least more happy. And it all stops being funny rather suddenly when you start making straight-faced claims (oh, I'm sorry, when your happy customers start making straight-faced claims...) that your nutty gadget can, in as many words, cure cancer.

So don't worry about orthodox therapy, which that evil oncologist told you gives a 90% chance of complete remission for the rest of your life, as long as you act quickly. Don't you know that guy's one of the "Cut! Burn! Poison!" crowd? Just get yourself a magic still, and drink your way to perfect health!